Passing This Along

In my daily readings this morning I came across this little gem by Ladd Biro, a guy who writes a fantasy football piece for the Kansas City Star. You can read the entire article here if you like, but I wanted to reproduce this opening section that genuinely made me laugh out loud in places (especially the one about Marvin Harrison). It's already been pointed out in the comments section that this may not be completely original, but I don't care - it's still funny.

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Willis McGahee called last night and asked me to pass along this message to his fantasy owners: “Yes, I hate you.”

I got a letter from Michael Vick, postmarked from Cell Block D, last week. Said he led his prison league in rushing, but had completed only 40 percent of his passes. Is hoping Matt Jones will be there in time for the playoffs. “I’ll bet the Falcons can’t wait to get me back!,” he mused. “Haven’t seen any games, but they must be dog-awful with a rook under center…”

I texted a note to Ricky Williams congratulating him on his first 100-yard game since 2005. “Yeah, man, I was smokin’!” I couldn’t hit delete fast enough.

Jake Delhomme shot me an email this morning asking why I hadn’t responded to his text messages last night. “Didn’t get them,” I said. “Must’ve been intercepted.” He didn’t think that was funny.

Brett Favre left a voice mail for me. He sounded depressed because his wideouts wouldn’t make eye contact with him after the game. “I could hear Cotchery and Coles across the locker room, griping about scoring 47 points and only getting one catch each. Wide receivers are so dang sensitive these days!”

Speaking of which, I heard the Colts enrolled Marvin Harrison in an 11-step program. When I asked why it wasn’t 12, they said he’d already lost a step.

I ran into Tony Romo over the bye week at a local travel agency. He had just booked a surprise vacation with Jessica leaving right after New Year’s. “But that’s the first week of the playoffs,” I said. “So?” he replied. Uh oh.

My cell phone rang as I was writing this. Someone named “Culpepper” was calling. Figured it had to be a wrong number. Haven’t seen that guy in years.

I called Chris Chambers to see how he was feeling. “I’m great, man. I’ll be back right after the bye.” When I reminded him the Chargers were off in Week 9, all I heard was “Oh, sh…”, before the line went dead.

I rang the Seahawks training facility the other day looking for D.J. Hackett. The receptionist told me he had moved to Carolina in the offseason. Who knew?

Shot Mike Singletary a note wishing him well on his Monday Night Football debut tonight. He sent back a picture of his rear end and told me he didn’t have time to chat with some silly columnist. “I’ve got a game to win. Grrrrr!”

I sent Kerry Collins an email, asking him how it felt to be 9-0. “It’s great,” he replied, “but Coach Fisher got mad at me for ignoring the game plan. He said the next time I throw a pass in the red zone, he’s trading me to Detroit.”