The Art of Losing Well

* This post is not about the Royals in any way, shape or form. But it is something that they excel at.

I have met people in my life that handled losing well, but I don't think I've ever met anyone that enjoyed it. And if they did, I'm sure they weren't all that interested in winning in the first place. Winning matters most when competition is involved, and you don't have to go very far to find that somewhere in life. The unfortunate side effect of competition is that little phenomenon called losing. Even at age 33 I find it difficult to deal with and my kids find it almost impossible.

Recently a friend at church, Mike, gave me some advice in dealing with losing. A lot of times I find myself getting very frustrated, although I do a pretty good job of keeping it inside. (Maybe Karin would say differently, I'll have to ask...) But keeping it inside isn't really the best way to deal with it, it just keeps you from socially embarrassing situations - and for that reason alone I still recommend giving it a try! But whether its explosions and resulting rage or managing to keep it bottled up, these are just the symptoms of the problem. Getting to the root means learning to look at losing differently.* So here are the two tips I was recently given that have helped me out tremendously. I'm doing my best to try and instill them in my kids as well.

* I do think another major problem with winning and losing is that our identity is usually tied to our performance and to acceptance by others. I could go into another long post on this subject as well, but as a Christian it's imperative that we find our worth in Christ alone.

First off is to recognize what is and what is not within your control. I don't know that this really registered for me, but far too often I get upset about things that I have no impact on whatsoever. One of my hobbies is a collectible miniatures game that involves rolling dice. While you can do a few things to improve your chances of getting a good roll, it's entirely possible to roll an epic fail. It definitely can be frustrating, but what can you do? If you knew it was outside of your control before you rolled the dice, you'd know there was a distinct possibility things wouldn't go your way.

This is also true in team sports. If someone drops a fly ball or the shortstop boots a grounder, there's nothing you could have done about it. It may be natural to get upset (since your chances of winning are tied to their performance) but it's really pointless. And while the anger is welling up inside, it naturally translates into negativity towards that person. Chances are high that it will only go downhill from there, especially if you open your mouth.

This certainly runs counter to Ephesians 4:29 which says, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Recognizing that I have no control over their performance will help me to focus on what I can control: my attitude and my speech. Now I'm in a position to encourage them, which is far more important in the long run than winning or losing anyway.

This leads right into the second point, which is that winning comes through something else I can control: dedication and hard work. The scene is all too familiar: one player hits a high, routine fly ball to the outfield and the defender settles under the ball to chants of "Miss it! Miss it!" The way to win isn't to hope your opponent fails or messes up, although winning often happens that way. (I've certainly played games where I said, "They didn't win that game, we lost it.") But the best course of action for us to pursue in competition is to try and improve our own game rather than hope our opponent doesn't bring their best.

I see this all the time with the kids, where they're actively rooting against each other. After lunch today there was an incredibly exciting game of wii bowling where two of the kids were tied with 82 pins in the seventh frame. In the eighth, they both got spares. Then in the ninth they both got strikes! It was a blast to watch as they matched each other throw for throw, the excitement in the room growing with each round.

In the tenth frame the first player bowled a strike, followed by netting seven pins with the two extra throws. The pressure was really on player two, who wasn't able to match the strike and ended up losing 157-177. At first all was good, as we simply basked in the fun of an exciting game. But it wasn't long before sore losing took hold and complaining ensued, especially against the performance of the winner. I imagine it will be a difficult road to get them to embrace these two principles (after all, here I am struggling with it as an adult), but I'm going to keep impressing it upon them and trying to demonstrate it in my own life as well.

On the side, a third competitive tip I've picked up is from another friend, Jake. We've played racquetball together a few times and it's always intense. After one particularly challenging match he let me in on a little secret: he never says anything during a game, good or bad. This eliminates both grumbling and bragging, including comments that weren't meant as such but might come off that way. I sometimes forget this principle but need to work on it as well.

So there you go. For those of you that will find yourself participating in competition sometime soon, I hope these tips might help you out. And for any parents out there, maybe they could help your kids as well.